Dependent and co-dependent relationships: what is it?

[DARPA]

In the mass consciousness of the concept of dependence is primarily associated with the use of alcohol and other psychoactive substances, uncontrolled eating, busting with gambling. If the dependent does not stop, his personal and professional life, sooner or later turn out to be destroyed, as well as health. Personal, motivational and emotional spheres irreversibly changed: the subject of dependence (alcohol, drugs, game) becomes the most important thing in life.

The concept of codependency appeared in the 30s of the last century, when Bill Wilson and Bob Smith (United States, Ohio, Akron) to create a society of Alcoholics Anonymous. When society support for alcoholics who wanted to stay sober, began its work, it became clear that this operation is not possible without the involvement of relatives and members of their families. It turned out that the family members of alcoholics have a certain set of character traits (psychological immaturity, indecision, helplessness, easy willingness to regress and denial, preference archaic psychological defenses mature, fear of loneliness, the acute craving to have a stronger identity as a patron, passive aggressiveness, etc.) . That, in turn, creates the necessary ground, which can develop and exist illness of their partner - dependent behavior. Domestic partnerships alcoholic, as it turns out, is also characterized by a number of features that make it impossible to separate the alcoholic help, without his family.

Remaining dependent and talk specifically about codependent behavior. Long-term work with couples and people who are not happy with their family life, shows us one interesting thing.

External and internal psychological problems of people living in a couple with a dependent partner and come to us for help, is no different from the problems, which are usually described unhappy life paired with a partner, which for some reason you can not leave. From a psychological point of view (and, consequently, also in terms of psychological work with these conditions) life with an alcoholic psychopath with life = = = life with a narcissist with a schizophrenic life.

Simply put, codependency, from our point of view - a collection of experiences, behavioral responses and choices that determine the life paired with anyone, anytime, joint life too is not good to meet, and bad enough to stop it.

It is a mistake to think that the only solution to the problem of co-dependent relationship is their termination (rupture, divorce, separation). It may be (or may not) be true when it comes to dealing with chemically dependent partner. In all other cases, it is not about how to organize a break in relations. And how to make the most complete investigation of what makes these relationships unhappy to ask for help. Otherwise, the rupture of some painful relationships should be a brief pause - the emergence of new painful relationship with another partner. In working with codependent behavior is not the main task of the adoption of any decision, and the study of the psychological pattern (non) acceptance of these solutions.

Looking ahead, we say that our a training cycle we are interested in only the main characteristic of any dependent and co-dependent relationship: the failure of personal boundaries. We understand that to start a conversation of such a statement is not enough. So, what looks like the failure of personal boundaries in everyday language? Let's talk about personal psychological boundaries.

1. Of course, initially there is no boundaries. It is therefore necessary to constantly fight for their existence. After all, when was originally something is not to establish and maintain this means something work and struggle. Thus, the lion's pride protects its part of the savannah, and the work never stops.

2. A child is born completely helpless, and at the same time - free from experiences any boundaries. Of course, his physical body has a spatial parameters, temperature and other characteristics, going beyond which there is a first as discomfort, then pain, and then - entails the termination of life. But in the sense of self-consciousness human being initially completely unlimited. All that my mother, then good. Anything that is not my mother, then bad. And vice versa - all that is good, then my mother, all that bad - not my mother. All that bad, should be reported (mother) by screaming or crying, and the mother should immediately fix it. It is important to note that the mother and, as such, in general, and does not exist for the time being, but only something that combines food, warmth, security, home smell and quiet. There are some great set of well. For a while, you can gulit and legs jerk and without a mother, but then have to start screaming to a big, warm milk and WELL quickly returned, and would have done with a baby again.

3. See? Initially no boundaries. Their creation is due to discomfort. As soon as the world around the baby (child, teen, man) is becoming more diverse, improving his (human) consciousness, clarifies his conception of its own borders, is becoming increasingly wealthy his reflection. At the same time decreases egocentrism. He begins to realize that not everything in the world exists for him, not all obey him, not everything depends on it, not everyone has the attitude towards it. His state - it is only the internal phenomena.

4. Discomfort - perhaps the most wealthy fuel consciousness. Only because of the discomfort we realize that something does not work anymore, something needs to change, something of course. Discomfort makes possible the existence of borders and attribution of actions, which in the next section.

5. Attribution. The nature of the personal experiences of psychological boundaries and their degree of consistency is closely related to the function of causal attribution. Simply put, the better a person refleksiruet own emotional states, the clearer and fastest way to admit that something goes wrong (or, on the contrary, the case), the easier it establish the veracity of the authorship of a particular action (event).

Say, how do we know that there is someone responsible for an event? Somebody's fault? As we know whose it is? How to decide who to whom and what to do? How it all began? Why all this happened? Why all happened so and not otherwise? Answers to these questions are necessary for us to plan all your further actions: keep doing what worked, closer to someone who we love and respect, correct or stop what came out so-so, to stop someone who does something unacceptable, to get away from this man away if it can not stop, etc.

All this drama just seems complicated, and you might say that adult problems such unknown. However, the question of adequate attribution arises in psychotherapy whenever a woman is (again and again!) Brutally beaten partner and not away from it, endangering the lives of their children and because he believes that ... she was to blame. "There was no need to ask him for money when he hung over."

The question of attribution - a cornerstone in any conversation about the destructive, masochistic relationship. It is the failure of psychological boundaries at the basic level of their "good-bad, I'm not-I, yes, no, I will, I will not" interfere with a woman to admit that she is experiencing a chronic mental (or physical) pain that her dreams shattered, that reality is terrible nightmare, and that it in no way to blame, except for one thing: it is not enough to protect ourselves and not enough care of herself. After all, to protect yourself, you must clearly understand from what you feel bad, and how to stop it. And to take care of yourself, you need to clearly understand from what you have, and how to organize it. And for this we must first of all understand who that someone was doing.

6. Handling Others with borders

Other key also strongly influence the formation and further experience psychological and physical boundaries. One way to prevent the formation of healthy boundaries in childhood - the elimination of a healthy experience discomfort. The most obvious example - delayed formation of the "toilet training" era in children diapers.

Another option complicate the formation of psychological boundaries - healthy elimination of experiences related to their stress. Such examples abound in the lives of children parents psychopaths, as well as those that grow in the dependent and co-dependent families. So, mother, completely connected to his father, an alcoholic, and perceive everything that happens to him as the most important thing in her life ("had a drink?", "Do come back to spend the night?", "Is time to fight?", Etc.). can be cold, insensitive and cruel to the child when he is hungry, cold, hurt. Psihopatizirovannye or co-dependent parents can demonstrate the wonders of infantilism, insensitivity and cruelty.

For example, the mother of a teenage son may delegate it to sink in the toilet kittens because she herself can not cope with it. The wife of an alcoholic may be so concerned about her husband always drunk, that is completely indifferent to the fact that her husband sexually sticks to her daughter or even rapes her and her friends. It just seems that we have invented these stories. This - Weekday many codependent families, and the typical response of parents who seeks to encourage the child to his aid, as follows: "Come on!". This is the depreciation of the sensual and even physical experience, a decisive influence on the further experience of the child and the boundaries of their treatment.

7. Incest - one of the most toxic species of early traumatic experiences, along with maternal deprivation, mentally ill mother and other types of chronic traumatization. Incestuous experience is always built from the experiences of the intrusion (violation) boundaries, experience the loss of a parent (is associated with incest), and the experience of betrayal of the other parent, who behaved ambiguously or not protected. In other words, incest always includes experience double intrusion. One parent does something to me never did, and I suspect that it is impossible to do (even worse if the child, knowing that there is something "wrong", at the same time enjoys). But when I talk about it to the other parent, he says to me: "Come on!". What drives me crazy in two directions.

More modest episodes elimination of sensory experiences can remember every one of you: "You gotta eat / where you so much?", "Get dressed, you're cold / undress, you're hot," "You're tired / not tired", "Are you hurt / not hurt" ... The devaluation of existing bodily / emotional experience - almost a key teaching methods in the Soviet and post-Soviet space, "Come on, do not be angry," "There's nothing to be offended", "Stop crying, it does not hurt," "Share, are you - greedy ? '. It is clear that the super-human can not grow otherwise.

8. codependent state of insolvency through the prism of personal boundaries

Imposing, delegation nonexistent discomfort nonexistent experiences nonexistent pulse or neglect, the elimination of existing - lead to the base confused child (and adult) at the level of recognition of their primary physical, mental experience and organismic existing and worthy of respect. So, our customers often admit that they sometimes do not understand, ignore the extent to which they are overworked and exhausted, experiencing extreme thirst or hunger, how worried, unhappy, angry, tense as the presence of someone as actually experiencing (and for a long time !) or that emotional feeling or physical condition.

Inconsistency in the differentiation of certain physical or emotional distress is often the base of eating disorders, because the same key adults who told us "oh well, it does not hurt," said: "doesh, do not hurt my grandmother" or "do not cry on candy ".

Questions, which makes sense to pay special attention if you are interested in the topic:

1. Merge. Formation of psychological / physiological needs in terms of Gestalt therapy. Ways out of the merger.

2. Borders. Communication: border / merge / codependency. Features experiences personal boundaries in the dependent and co-dependent states. Ways to maintain boundaries, effective and ineffective. A suitable way to maintain your personal boundaries.

3. The discomfort. Your relationship with the physical and psychological discomfort. Do you know how to recognize it and adjust. Disclaimer, ability to say "no."

4. causal attribution. The experience of boundaries and discomfort associated with not / ability to establish the authorship of certain actions and events. Because of this, you may experience inappropriate guilt, shame, have difficulty zamozaschitoy.

6. Emotion. Identification and expression of feelings. Communication with the expression of feelings of self-support and prevention of dependent states.

7. Interpersonal distance and samopredyavlenie in contact. Adjusting the interpersonal distance as a tool for maintaining healthy boundaries.

8. Self-Support. Loss of self-help and how to restore it.

9. Hope and Dream vs Reality. Communication hopes to dysfunction of self-support.

10. Family relationship model. Feelings and needs, boundaries and self-support, dream and reality in your family history. Own history vs family history.